It became glaringly apparent once again that the cliche of "Don't let the life that AA gave you get in the way of your AA life" is an important cliche. Sometimes I hate those damn cliches, but if you've heard one for a long time, or at least heard it repeatedly its probably because there is truth in it, so listen up.
I've been taking a class in the last few months, and had to stop going to one of my meetings that I attend regularly. Slowly over the last couple of months the meetings I've been a regular at have slowly fallen by the waste side because "I'm just so busy". I haven't had a commitment at a meeting, haven't sponsored anyone, and my sponsor and I seem to only meet once a month. Although I've felt fine for the most part and have been very aware that I need to be more active in my program of recovery, I have continued to excuse my scarcity around the rooms because "I'm just so busy" and it's not because I don't want to go to a meeting, sponsor someone, etc. But I'm going to graduate school and that's just so important - not! What's important? My Sobriety. Period.
During these last few months I've also been battling a mystery condition: TMJ or TMD Temporal Mandibular Disorder. After having a tooth pulled my jaw decided it wanted to re-align itself and without any consent on my part all the stress in my life has found its way to my jaw and I have constant, ceaseless jaw-clenching, swelling, tension, pain, etc., that I've been treating with acupuncture. Recently after a stressful day in class I went to my acupuncture appointment and for the first time had no relief. I have found that acupuncture has been my little stress oasis. My hour of bliss, meditation, and relief. By the time I left there I was so stressed out that I had a thought of drinking, but not the type I've had before. Normally when I think of drinking it's very romantic and sounds either delicious because of an advertisement or occasion or what have you. Not this time. This was entirely cerebral. This was more like the thought of drinking was presented to me in a sales pitch from a smooth talking, but incredibly logical salesman who had no real hidden agenda other than to say "Well, it is an option on the table" (drinking). Here are the pro's and cons. Pro - you'll have the mind altering numbing experience you are seeking and relieve your stress. Con - you'll have to give up your sobriety and be willing to raise your hand as a newcomer.
I was shocked at how serious I considered this new presentation style/rational approach. I have to say that my sobriety at times has been maintained by my own ego and feeling that relapse (for me - not for someone else!) is just "less than" or "beneath me". After a few minutes of legitimately considering drinking again to relieve my stress the light bulb went off. I didn't need to drink, I needed to re-arrange my priorities. So I decided not to go to class the next day, call my sponsor and one of my best friends who is also in the program. One of the things I love about her is that she's not afraid to tell me things she knows I need to hear. She might hold her tongue for a while if it doesn't seem like it "really" needs to be said, but, if she feels it DOES need to be said, it's coming my way (I'm the same way with most people so I appreciate this approach). She basically told me my priorities were outta whack, my program needed improvement and that nothing can come before my sobriety. Nothing I didn't already know, but she was right, and I agreed.
So I took the day off from school, decompressed a little, and made a friend-date with her to hang out and catch a meeting after spending some quality time getting foot massages. What I realized was just a reminder that I won't be able to go through graduate school if I pick up again. I wont' be able to do SHIT! I had a hard enough time keeping a temp job when I was drinking and using. Vodka became my full time job. There's NO WAY I could handle graduate level coursework while drinking? Study? Ha! I've got a martini sitting here waiting to be enjoyed, fuck reading! That's where I'd be.
So we went to the meeting and although I wanted to share, I'm glad I didn't even get the chance. It was one of those rough and rugged crowd type meetings and a guy shared about how he'd seriously thought about going out and drinking just 30 short minutes before the meeting. Brought home everything I'd experienced in the last few days. But, for the moment he didn't drink - he did what he knows works - a meeting. So I'm grateful for that unrefined gang of drunks that gave me some perspective last night, grateful for my friend who will smack me in the back of the head if I need it and for AA showing me that despite the schmarmy-ness of the cliche: It works when you work it :)
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