Man...this one is a hard one to write, but it's my truth and in the end I hope that despite the demoralization aspect of this blog entry I hope someone, someday, will find it helpful. At this point no one that I'm aware of is even reading this blog so for the moment I think it's just an online diary of sorts. At 37yrs old I am really accepting the fact that I didn't have what would be considered a "normative" experience when coming to terms with my sexuality and a healthy approach to learning what sex is/isn't, should/shouldn't be, etc. Even though that's somewhat relative, the "should/shouldn't be" part I still think I was outside the normative lines because my sexuality had to be completely hidden and underground. Before "DL" even had a pop culture catch phrase, I was underground - literally. My first sexual experience happened in an adult theatre, in the basement. I can't say I remember it vividly to be honest. It was at the adult theatre where I saw my first male dancer..stripper. There was a basement with video booths and guys trolling the waters for action.
This type of behavior became my introduction into "gay life". Being that it was 1992, there was some acceptance but it still wasn't cool or even mainstream socially acceptable to be gay, so myself (and many of my peers I've since found out) were first introduced to gay life via porn shops, cruising spots, and things of this sort. I was 19 or 20 and hadn't been to a gay club yet so this was my first experience. Right or wrong, for worse or for worst - it was what it was. The theatres were the only place I could get admitted into and let my hair down, figuratively speaking. There was also something very alluring and seductive about the whole thing. This was obviously pre-Internet and my only avenue for sexual identification, exploration and fulfillment. I spent countless hours in dark dungenous basements watching hours of porn movies, and doing fairly unspeakable things with men who's names I never knew.
As I write this, I see the face of one of my best friends, a female, gagging and choking in horror while I tell my truth, but I have to tell it anyway, as puss filled as the wound may be, it won't begin to heal until I clean it.
I joined the military about two years after first exploring my sexuality. At that point I honestly felt like I had my sexuality totally figured out, and for the most part maybe I did. But I had to go back into a closet of sorts, and therefor keep my sexuality underground. While I was in the military I dated several men, one or two very seriously and was head over heels in love with one of those. But during my time in the military I made a friend or two who were also gay, and we'd go out a lot. Then came the strip clubs of Washington D.C., my god I loved those strip clubs. Muscle bound ebony and bronze men of exquisite caliber shaking, moving, grinding, pumping and sweating and working me up into a tazmanian devil of anticipation.
I didn't drink back then, I just got drunk off rubbing up on, lusting over, and chasing pseudo straight black men at places called The Edge and Wet where they had Mandingo night! LoL. Did I ever,...wow. At one point I remember feeling so compelled to go to these strip clubs and a porn shop that was near it that I had a fleeting thought "am I a sex addict?". Then I dismissed the thought. I couldn't wrap my head over an idea like that, I can barely comprehend it now! I've heard many other stories and I feel like I can't relate to them, so am I really a sex addict? Or am I just off track somehow? Am I just compulsive? Is there a difference? Or am I really this ugly, vile, contemptible perverted beast that ought not show his face in the light of day with the other civilized folk? I feel quite a bit like Quasimodo - The Hunchback of Notre-Dame, a grotesque creature who is looked at with contempt and disgust, who ought never be brought out to see the light of day, forever to be locked away in a tower, or dungeon, or whatever the case might be for me.
Compulsive..or Addict? They say the truth shall set you free. Why does it not feel that way for me?
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