Things have been pretty crazy lately. In the last month I literally tripped while "future tripping" (daydreaming about the future and ignoring the present) and broke my ankle. I was subsequently laid off from my job and have entered a new phase of growth,...I hope.
I realize more and more that one of my main drugs of choice throughout my life has been one that you don't find in a convenience store, or on the street corner in the Tenderloin (drug filled neighborhood in San Francisco). I think one of my favorite drugs, possibly of all time, has been day dreaming. Yep, day dreaming, or future obsessing to be more honest. Now, there's nothing wrong with day dreaming, but anything can be taken to the extreme, and I seem to do that rather well with my day dreaming/future tripping.
What is it about "right now" that is so terrible that I can't seem to stop myself from spending hours online looking at dozens of houses for sale, educational programs to sign up for, or random/anonymous sex partners?
I was watching some porn recently when I realized (and not for the first time) that it's really a pretty stupid concept. If it's lower grade porn, you'll catch the "actors" sometimes looking off to the left or right and catching a que or some direction in between their oh-so-hot and superbly realistic "oh ya! Fuck ya! Ohhh ahhh uhhh, fuck me's". I realized that it's not the graphic sex I like as much as I like the little scenario that starts to play out in my head: I wonder if he's gay in real life, or gay for pay? Is he masculine, or a total femme-botte? Does he really find his on screen partner hot and is he really into it, or is he actually acting (faking it)?
There seems to be a rise in the "gay-for-pay" segment of the gay porn population and that sets off a whole rabid, Cujo-esq heard of animals in my head! Sort of akin to the girl who constantly wants to make the "bad boy" into a good boy, I want to make the "straight boy" into the gay boy, and in particular - MY gay boy(friend). So, when I watch these onscreen muscle-sex machines kiss passionately I find myself at my most aroused, or at least most interested. I actually like the "behind the scenes" clips of the porn sets and the actors being themselves. In one of them I saw two of the hotties making out in the background while not in a scene and I thougt "Bingo!" - that's real, that's interesting, THAT"S hot!
So, I am becoming more and more conscious of the fact that I think for the most part, I'm not looking for sexual satisfaction when I'm looking for sex. I'm really looking for love (among other things, validation, passion, connection, etc) That ever elusive, ever frightening, ever fragile intangible tasmanian devil we call love. Whatever that is....
Friday, September 16, 2011
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Switching Seats on the Titanic
I've been slowly reading a book called "America Anonymous". Last night I read a line that said "...then he said that when he gets control of one addiction, another will rear its ugly head and take over his life. He called that dance "switching seats on the Titanic." (Chapter 9/Sean, America Anonymous).
I haven't posted on here in a few weeks, but yesterday that's exactly how I was feeling. Like I was in a life raft that had sprung a leak. I put my finger over the hole to cover the water from leaking into the raft only to have another hole spring up on the other side, out of reach, and now I'm jumping back and forth between various leaks...and sinking.
I've slowly come to the awakening that my addiction takes many forms. I was at an AA meeting last night, a Friday night, and an hour before hand had spent time and money at both Ross (store) and Kmart buying crap for my bedroom in an effort to rearrange and redecorate a little bit. Then sitting in the meeting I flashed back to my childhood. When I was between the ages of approximately 9 - 12yrs old, almost every Friday night, or at least on many Friday nights, I would rearrange my bedroom. My bedroom had a furniture "set" in it that was bought as a set-piece. It had a desk, corner desk, dresser, and bookshelf. I would rearrange my set in as many varying arrangements as I could think of! Now, as you can imagine the possibilities are very finite. One of the things the speaker said in the meeting last night was that in her childhood she suffered from a lot of obsessive-compulsive thinking, and that she felt that is what is at the root of this disease. The dis-ease of being alone with our thoughts, of sitting with ourselves. That's me. I can't sit still. I'm an alcoholic, and a sex addict. I realize that I've used random, anonymous sex as a means of escape from being alone with my own mind.
I've started working with Sex Addicts Anonymous to address my compulsive use of sex and anonymous encounters. Boy has my inner addict REALLY gone into a rage!!! I feel like I've awoken a sleeping monster! Last night at the AA meeting my AA sponsor asked me if I was ok, and I honestly answered no, I wasn't ok. It was the first time I really talked to him about what I was experiencing while trying to address my decades long pattern of random and anonymous sexual encounters. I told him that I had not felt "this kind" of pain, or "this level" of anxiety when getting sober from alcohol (and drugs). He understood and helped me more than I thought he could. I was so grateful for that!
I'm in for a bumpy ride on this little life raft of mine, that much is for sure! All the tools I learned in AA I'm now going to have to apply towards my sexual patterns and history...one day at a time.
I haven't posted on here in a few weeks, but yesterday that's exactly how I was feeling. Like I was in a life raft that had sprung a leak. I put my finger over the hole to cover the water from leaking into the raft only to have another hole spring up on the other side, out of reach, and now I'm jumping back and forth between various leaks...and sinking.
I've slowly come to the awakening that my addiction takes many forms. I was at an AA meeting last night, a Friday night, and an hour before hand had spent time and money at both Ross (store) and Kmart buying crap for my bedroom in an effort to rearrange and redecorate a little bit. Then sitting in the meeting I flashed back to my childhood. When I was between the ages of approximately 9 - 12yrs old, almost every Friday night, or at least on many Friday nights, I would rearrange my bedroom. My bedroom had a furniture "set" in it that was bought as a set-piece. It had a desk, corner desk, dresser, and bookshelf. I would rearrange my set in as many varying arrangements as I could think of! Now, as you can imagine the possibilities are very finite. One of the things the speaker said in the meeting last night was that in her childhood she suffered from a lot of obsessive-compulsive thinking, and that she felt that is what is at the root of this disease. The dis-ease of being alone with our thoughts, of sitting with ourselves. That's me. I can't sit still. I'm an alcoholic, and a sex addict. I realize that I've used random, anonymous sex as a means of escape from being alone with my own mind.
I've started working with Sex Addicts Anonymous to address my compulsive use of sex and anonymous encounters. Boy has my inner addict REALLY gone into a rage!!! I feel like I've awoken a sleeping monster! Last night at the AA meeting my AA sponsor asked me if I was ok, and I honestly answered no, I wasn't ok. It was the first time I really talked to him about what I was experiencing while trying to address my decades long pattern of random and anonymous sexual encounters. I told him that I had not felt "this kind" of pain, or "this level" of anxiety when getting sober from alcohol (and drugs). He understood and helped me more than I thought he could. I was so grateful for that!
I'm in for a bumpy ride on this little life raft of mine, that much is for sure! All the tools I learned in AA I'm now going to have to apply towards my sexual patterns and history...one day at a time.
Friday, May 13, 2011
My Inner Child is Mad!
And he's fuckin' stompin' his feet today!! He didn't get what he wanted and he began stomping his feet. I couldn't get him under control. I tried praying - nope. I tried phone calls - not interested. I tried doing laundry, vacuuming, cleaning - no luck. So, acting out sounded like my only relief. Acted out. Didn't help really. Ate junk food - no relief. But, I didn't drink or use drugs, so it wasn't a total loss. Thought about drinking for a minute, but that compulsion was manageable...the other was not manageable.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Life Sucks Anonymous
This might be a little departure from the general topic of addiction recovery, but hopefully it just helps give (me) perspective to more than just the addict/alcoholic struggles in life.
This week my cousin, who will remain nameless, came to crash on my couch from out of the area to visit a female friend he's been trying to get to know on a romantic level. My cousin is incredibly smart. I don't mean that, in the "he's a great guy, he's smart, etc." I mean, the kid has FUCKIN" GOT EXTRA things in his head that the rest of us mortals don't seem to have, smart! Intellectually he is probably in the top 5 - 10 percentile range, of the nation that is. With the good, comes the bad. He's always been so far ahead of his peers that he almost runs a circle around them only to end up behind them, where he ends up feeling. Socially at least. He's in his late 20's and has yet to have what he defines as any type of "real relationship".
So, he drives 700 miles to spend time with this girl who he's nuts about and has known since he was practically a kid and is crashing on my couch. On the way to go see her in a play, he gets a text message from her basically stating that she's been meaning to tell him that she's begun seeing someone but didn't want him to find out by running into this other guy after the play. The side note was, I, as his older cousin, who loves his younger cousin very much and wants to see him happy has to read this text to him b/c he hands me his cell phone while he's driving and says "Will you read that to me?" (because it was long). So I get handed his "Dear John" text message and am suppose to find an easy way to break this to him? Que the heart wrenching music!!
Luckily, I am able to steer my gut wrenched cousin over to my buddy's house who helps talk him down off the proverbial ledge a bit after a few hours of talking and laughing, four of us talking, venting, laughing, crying about the toils of life. It becomes apparent that although my cousin has never been a drinker or drug user, he has his own, and entirely real escape mechanisms. Video games. Isolating. Avoiding people. He escapes the tragedies of life by further withdrawing from the people who constantly bring him to the intersection of "What's the point Blvd" and "Hopeless Way". I began to cry at one point.
I realized that drugs and alcohol really aren't the only methods of escape. I mean, I know that already, but it became even more apparent as my cousin was spilling his guts (and this is someone who internalizes all his feelings, almost always!) about the futility of life. I had to admit, as much as I hated it, I understood exactly where he was coming from. There isn't always a happy ending. Sometimes life just DOES suck! Sometimes just letting someone say that, feel that, acknowledge that is the best medicine. We can't fix these type of wounds. Especially not when they are years and years old with lots of cobwebs, cracks and dust.
As we were all sitting around the living room, talking about the aggravations of life I said I wished people without addictions had a 12 step program to help with life like we alcoholics do, my cousin chimes in with "Life Sucks Anonymous" - SCORE!
LIFE SUCKS ANONYMOUS
This week my cousin, who will remain nameless, came to crash on my couch from out of the area to visit a female friend he's been trying to get to know on a romantic level. My cousin is incredibly smart. I don't mean that, in the "he's a great guy, he's smart, etc." I mean, the kid has FUCKIN" GOT EXTRA things in his head that the rest of us mortals don't seem to have, smart! Intellectually he is probably in the top 5 - 10 percentile range, of the nation that is. With the good, comes the bad. He's always been so far ahead of his peers that he almost runs a circle around them only to end up behind them, where he ends up feeling. Socially at least. He's in his late 20's and has yet to have what he defines as any type of "real relationship".
So, he drives 700 miles to spend time with this girl who he's nuts about and has known since he was practically a kid and is crashing on my couch. On the way to go see her in a play, he gets a text message from her basically stating that she's been meaning to tell him that she's begun seeing someone but didn't want him to find out by running into this other guy after the play. The side note was, I, as his older cousin, who loves his younger cousin very much and wants to see him happy has to read this text to him b/c he hands me his cell phone while he's driving and says "Will you read that to me?" (because it was long). So I get handed his "Dear John" text message and am suppose to find an easy way to break this to him? Que the heart wrenching music!!
Luckily, I am able to steer my gut wrenched cousin over to my buddy's house who helps talk him down off the proverbial ledge a bit after a few hours of talking and laughing, four of us talking, venting, laughing, crying about the toils of life. It becomes apparent that although my cousin has never been a drinker or drug user, he has his own, and entirely real escape mechanisms. Video games. Isolating. Avoiding people. He escapes the tragedies of life by further withdrawing from the people who constantly bring him to the intersection of "What's the point Blvd" and "Hopeless Way". I began to cry at one point.
I realized that drugs and alcohol really aren't the only methods of escape. I mean, I know that already, but it became even more apparent as my cousin was spilling his guts (and this is someone who internalizes all his feelings, almost always!) about the futility of life. I had to admit, as much as I hated it, I understood exactly where he was coming from. There isn't always a happy ending. Sometimes life just DOES suck! Sometimes just letting someone say that, feel that, acknowledge that is the best medicine. We can't fix these type of wounds. Especially not when they are years and years old with lots of cobwebs, cracks and dust.
As we were all sitting around the living room, talking about the aggravations of life I said I wished people without addictions had a 12 step program to help with life like we alcoholics do, my cousin chimes in with "Life Sucks Anonymous" - SCORE!
LIFE SUCKS ANONYMOUS
Monday, May 2, 2011
Compulsive or Addict?
Man...this one is a hard one to write, but it's my truth and in the end I hope that despite the demoralization aspect of this blog entry I hope someone, someday, will find it helpful. At this point no one that I'm aware of is even reading this blog so for the moment I think it's just an online diary of sorts. At 37yrs old I am really accepting the fact that I didn't have what would be considered a "normative" experience when coming to terms with my sexuality and a healthy approach to learning what sex is/isn't, should/shouldn't be, etc. Even though that's somewhat relative, the "should/shouldn't be" part I still think I was outside the normative lines because my sexuality had to be completely hidden and underground. Before "DL" even had a pop culture catch phrase, I was underground - literally. My first sexual experience happened in an adult theatre, in the basement. I can't say I remember it vividly to be honest. It was at the adult theatre where I saw my first male dancer..stripper. There was a basement with video booths and guys trolling the waters for action.
This type of behavior became my introduction into "gay life". Being that it was 1992, there was some acceptance but it still wasn't cool or even mainstream socially acceptable to be gay, so myself (and many of my peers I've since found out) were first introduced to gay life via porn shops, cruising spots, and things of this sort. I was 19 or 20 and hadn't been to a gay club yet so this was my first experience. Right or wrong, for worse or for worst - it was what it was. The theatres were the only place I could get admitted into and let my hair down, figuratively speaking. There was also something very alluring and seductive about the whole thing. This was obviously pre-Internet and my only avenue for sexual identification, exploration and fulfillment. I spent countless hours in dark dungenous basements watching hours of porn movies, and doing fairly unspeakable things with men who's names I never knew.
As I write this, I see the face of one of my best friends, a female, gagging and choking in horror while I tell my truth, but I have to tell it anyway, as puss filled as the wound may be, it won't begin to heal until I clean it.
I joined the military about two years after first exploring my sexuality. At that point I honestly felt like I had my sexuality totally figured out, and for the most part maybe I did. But I had to go back into a closet of sorts, and therefor keep my sexuality underground. While I was in the military I dated several men, one or two very seriously and was head over heels in love with one of those. But during my time in the military I made a friend or two who were also gay, and we'd go out a lot. Then came the strip clubs of Washington D.C., my god I loved those strip clubs. Muscle bound ebony and bronze men of exquisite caliber shaking, moving, grinding, pumping and sweating and working me up into a tazmanian devil of anticipation.
I didn't drink back then, I just got drunk off rubbing up on, lusting over, and chasing pseudo straight black men at places called The Edge and Wet where they had Mandingo night! LoL. Did I ever,...wow. At one point I remember feeling so compelled to go to these strip clubs and a porn shop that was near it that I had a fleeting thought "am I a sex addict?". Then I dismissed the thought. I couldn't wrap my head over an idea like that, I can barely comprehend it now! I've heard many other stories and I feel like I can't relate to them, so am I really a sex addict? Or am I just off track somehow? Am I just compulsive? Is there a difference? Or am I really this ugly, vile, contemptible perverted beast that ought not show his face in the light of day with the other civilized folk? I feel quite a bit like Quasimodo - The Hunchback of Notre-Dame, a grotesque creature who is looked at with contempt and disgust, who ought never be brought out to see the light of day, forever to be locked away in a tower, or dungeon, or whatever the case might be for me.
Compulsive..or Addict? They say the truth shall set you free. Why does it not feel that way for me?
This type of behavior became my introduction into "gay life". Being that it was 1992, there was some acceptance but it still wasn't cool or even mainstream socially acceptable to be gay, so myself (and many of my peers I've since found out) were first introduced to gay life via porn shops, cruising spots, and things of this sort. I was 19 or 20 and hadn't been to a gay club yet so this was my first experience. Right or wrong, for worse or for worst - it was what it was. The theatres were the only place I could get admitted into and let my hair down, figuratively speaking. There was also something very alluring and seductive about the whole thing. This was obviously pre-Internet and my only avenue for sexual identification, exploration and fulfillment. I spent countless hours in dark dungenous basements watching hours of porn movies, and doing fairly unspeakable things with men who's names I never knew.
As I write this, I see the face of one of my best friends, a female, gagging and choking in horror while I tell my truth, but I have to tell it anyway, as puss filled as the wound may be, it won't begin to heal until I clean it.
I joined the military about two years after first exploring my sexuality. At that point I honestly felt like I had my sexuality totally figured out, and for the most part maybe I did. But I had to go back into a closet of sorts, and therefor keep my sexuality underground. While I was in the military I dated several men, one or two very seriously and was head over heels in love with one of those. But during my time in the military I made a friend or two who were also gay, and we'd go out a lot. Then came the strip clubs of Washington D.C., my god I loved those strip clubs. Muscle bound ebony and bronze men of exquisite caliber shaking, moving, grinding, pumping and sweating and working me up into a tazmanian devil of anticipation.
I didn't drink back then, I just got drunk off rubbing up on, lusting over, and chasing pseudo straight black men at places called The Edge and Wet where they had Mandingo night! LoL. Did I ever,...wow. At one point I remember feeling so compelled to go to these strip clubs and a porn shop that was near it that I had a fleeting thought "am I a sex addict?". Then I dismissed the thought. I couldn't wrap my head over an idea like that, I can barely comprehend it now! I've heard many other stories and I feel like I can't relate to them, so am I really a sex addict? Or am I just off track somehow? Am I just compulsive? Is there a difference? Or am I really this ugly, vile, contemptible perverted beast that ought not show his face in the light of day with the other civilized folk? I feel quite a bit like Quasimodo - The Hunchback of Notre-Dame, a grotesque creature who is looked at with contempt and disgust, who ought never be brought out to see the light of day, forever to be locked away in a tower, or dungeon, or whatever the case might be for me.
Compulsive..or Addict? They say the truth shall set you free. Why does it not feel that way for me?
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Life in Recovery Vs. Recovery Life
It became glaringly apparent once again that the cliche of "Don't let the life that AA gave you get in the way of your AA life" is an important cliche. Sometimes I hate those damn cliches, but if you've heard one for a long time, or at least heard it repeatedly its probably because there is truth in it, so listen up.
I've been taking a class in the last few months, and had to stop going to one of my meetings that I attend regularly. Slowly over the last couple of months the meetings I've been a regular at have slowly fallen by the waste side because "I'm just so busy". I haven't had a commitment at a meeting, haven't sponsored anyone, and my sponsor and I seem to only meet once a month. Although I've felt fine for the most part and have been very aware that I need to be more active in my program of recovery, I have continued to excuse my scarcity around the rooms because "I'm just so busy" and it's not because I don't want to go to a meeting, sponsor someone, etc. But I'm going to graduate school and that's just so important - not! What's important? My Sobriety. Period.
During these last few months I've also been battling a mystery condition: TMJ or TMD Temporal Mandibular Disorder. After having a tooth pulled my jaw decided it wanted to re-align itself and without any consent on my part all the stress in my life has found its way to my jaw and I have constant, ceaseless jaw-clenching, swelling, tension, pain, etc., that I've been treating with acupuncture. Recently after a stressful day in class I went to my acupuncture appointment and for the first time had no relief. I have found that acupuncture has been my little stress oasis. My hour of bliss, meditation, and relief. By the time I left there I was so stressed out that I had a thought of drinking, but not the type I've had before. Normally when I think of drinking it's very romantic and sounds either delicious because of an advertisement or occasion or what have you. Not this time. This was entirely cerebral. This was more like the thought of drinking was presented to me in a sales pitch from a smooth talking, but incredibly logical salesman who had no real hidden agenda other than to say "Well, it is an option on the table" (drinking). Here are the pro's and cons. Pro - you'll have the mind altering numbing experience you are seeking and relieve your stress. Con - you'll have to give up your sobriety and be willing to raise your hand as a newcomer.
I was shocked at how serious I considered this new presentation style/rational approach. I have to say that my sobriety at times has been maintained by my own ego and feeling that relapse (for me - not for someone else!) is just "less than" or "beneath me". After a few minutes of legitimately considering drinking again to relieve my stress the light bulb went off. I didn't need to drink, I needed to re-arrange my priorities. So I decided not to go to class the next day, call my sponsor and one of my best friends who is also in the program. One of the things I love about her is that she's not afraid to tell me things she knows I need to hear. She might hold her tongue for a while if it doesn't seem like it "really" needs to be said, but, if she feels it DOES need to be said, it's coming my way (I'm the same way with most people so I appreciate this approach). She basically told me my priorities were outta whack, my program needed improvement and that nothing can come before my sobriety. Nothing I didn't already know, but she was right, and I agreed.
So I took the day off from school, decompressed a little, and made a friend-date with her to hang out and catch a meeting after spending some quality time getting foot massages. What I realized was just a reminder that I won't be able to go through graduate school if I pick up again. I wont' be able to do SHIT! I had a hard enough time keeping a temp job when I was drinking and using. Vodka became my full time job. There's NO WAY I could handle graduate level coursework while drinking? Study? Ha! I've got a martini sitting here waiting to be enjoyed, fuck reading! That's where I'd be.
So we went to the meeting and although I wanted to share, I'm glad I didn't even get the chance. It was one of those rough and rugged crowd type meetings and a guy shared about how he'd seriously thought about going out and drinking just 30 short minutes before the meeting. Brought home everything I'd experienced in the last few days. But, for the moment he didn't drink - he did what he knows works - a meeting. So I'm grateful for that unrefined gang of drunks that gave me some perspective last night, grateful for my friend who will smack me in the back of the head if I need it and for AA showing me that despite the schmarmy-ness of the cliche: It works when you work it :)
I've been taking a class in the last few months, and had to stop going to one of my meetings that I attend regularly. Slowly over the last couple of months the meetings I've been a regular at have slowly fallen by the waste side because "I'm just so busy". I haven't had a commitment at a meeting, haven't sponsored anyone, and my sponsor and I seem to only meet once a month. Although I've felt fine for the most part and have been very aware that I need to be more active in my program of recovery, I have continued to excuse my scarcity around the rooms because "I'm just so busy" and it's not because I don't want to go to a meeting, sponsor someone, etc. But I'm going to graduate school and that's just so important - not! What's important? My Sobriety. Period.
During these last few months I've also been battling a mystery condition: TMJ or TMD Temporal Mandibular Disorder. After having a tooth pulled my jaw decided it wanted to re-align itself and without any consent on my part all the stress in my life has found its way to my jaw and I have constant, ceaseless jaw-clenching, swelling, tension, pain, etc., that I've been treating with acupuncture. Recently after a stressful day in class I went to my acupuncture appointment and for the first time had no relief. I have found that acupuncture has been my little stress oasis. My hour of bliss, meditation, and relief. By the time I left there I was so stressed out that I had a thought of drinking, but not the type I've had before. Normally when I think of drinking it's very romantic and sounds either delicious because of an advertisement or occasion or what have you. Not this time. This was entirely cerebral. This was more like the thought of drinking was presented to me in a sales pitch from a smooth talking, but incredibly logical salesman who had no real hidden agenda other than to say "Well, it is an option on the table" (drinking). Here are the pro's and cons. Pro - you'll have the mind altering numbing experience you are seeking and relieve your stress. Con - you'll have to give up your sobriety and be willing to raise your hand as a newcomer.
I was shocked at how serious I considered this new presentation style/rational approach. I have to say that my sobriety at times has been maintained by my own ego and feeling that relapse (for me - not for someone else!) is just "less than" or "beneath me". After a few minutes of legitimately considering drinking again to relieve my stress the light bulb went off. I didn't need to drink, I needed to re-arrange my priorities. So I decided not to go to class the next day, call my sponsor and one of my best friends who is also in the program. One of the things I love about her is that she's not afraid to tell me things she knows I need to hear. She might hold her tongue for a while if it doesn't seem like it "really" needs to be said, but, if she feels it DOES need to be said, it's coming my way (I'm the same way with most people so I appreciate this approach). She basically told me my priorities were outta whack, my program needed improvement and that nothing can come before my sobriety. Nothing I didn't already know, but she was right, and I agreed.
So I took the day off from school, decompressed a little, and made a friend-date with her to hang out and catch a meeting after spending some quality time getting foot massages. What I realized was just a reminder that I won't be able to go through graduate school if I pick up again. I wont' be able to do SHIT! I had a hard enough time keeping a temp job when I was drinking and using. Vodka became my full time job. There's NO WAY I could handle graduate level coursework while drinking? Study? Ha! I've got a martini sitting here waiting to be enjoyed, fuck reading! That's where I'd be.
So we went to the meeting and although I wanted to share, I'm glad I didn't even get the chance. It was one of those rough and rugged crowd type meetings and a guy shared about how he'd seriously thought about going out and drinking just 30 short minutes before the meeting. Brought home everything I'd experienced in the last few days. But, for the moment he didn't drink - he did what he knows works - a meeting. So I'm grateful for that unrefined gang of drunks that gave me some perspective last night, grateful for my friend who will smack me in the back of the head if I need it and for AA showing me that despite the schmarmy-ness of the cliche: It works when you work it :)
Monday, April 25, 2011
D.Y.O.G.
Design Your Own God.
A.A. Step 2 (of 12) Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
A.A. Step 3 (of 12) Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God "as we understood Him".
So many times I hear "the god thing" being a major obstacle to people new in A.A. These two steps probably cause more balking, fussing, hesitation and possibly even relapse than any of the other steps (in my opinion, no facts to back that up). But why? I look at it like this: These are the BEST two steps imaginable!! Why do I see the glass half-full this way? I'll tell you why. Because we get to be creative, that's why. It doesn't say in step 2, or 3 that I have to become a Catholic, a Protestant, a Born-Again Christian, a Buddhist or a Hindu for that matter. It opens the door to a connection to "something" greater than myself - ANY something - it doesn't dictate what that something is. Now, there are A LOT of "suggestions" (i.e. rules) that one needs to be willing to follow if he/she is going to be successful in A.A., but following someone else's mandate about what kind of gOD to have is NOT one of those suggestions, yippee! If dogma were a part of the twelve steps, A.A. as we know it would not have the millions of successfully sober recovering alcoholics that it does.
In the rooms of A.A. and other twelve step programs they talk about "a higher power" - why stop there? I have at least four, and counting. Here's something I've recently been studying in a Human Relations class. It's an exercise of connect the dots. What you have to do is connect all the dots with straight lines but without lifting your pen/pencil from the page and the lines have to be straight. This is a square box of dots with 9 total 3,3,3. People get stumped on how to do this because it seems nearly impossible. The only rules are staight lines and you can't lift your pencil off the paper. So, why so hard? It's not really...it's just about thinking outside of the box! Nothing in the rules says you can't draw OUTSIDE of the rows of dots in order to connect them! ONLY to draw in straight lines and w/o lifting your pencil.
Much the same way, many people don't stop and realize they can think outside the box when it comes to the spirituality or gOD aspect in A.A. What most people are balking at is the dogmatic practices or hypocrisy they dealt with as children. I know I did. But, I'm also an oddball even as far as an alcoholic goes because I LOVE spirituality. To me its an endless journey of learning, growing and getting answers to cosmic questions. My main 4 higher powers consist of "god" which I generally refer to as Source or Universe, Angels, in particular Arch Angels, Spirit Guides (beings who've either lived as a human, or maybe not, who have made a pact with you before entering this physical plane/life to help guide you through your journey here) and Faeries/Nature Angels (I saw one of these once - with my very own eyes!!). These 4 higher powers have demonstrated to me time and again that they are VERY real, as real as the stink on my breath in the morning and the toe nails on my tootsies. Once a person gets over the dogmatic issues that they're actually balking at, an entirely different world opens up. But, it often takes a lot of work to be willing to let your guard down and have some blind trust in some "thing" you can't see or feel. So, I work more with the "feel" approach. I can't see the wind, but i can sure feel it when it blows and when I'm paying attention I can see its effects. Same goes with a higher power despite whatever label is placed upon it.
It's really not as hard as we make it out to be, honestly. Give it a shot! You've really got nothing to loose.
A.A. Step 2 (of 12) Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
A.A. Step 3 (of 12) Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God "as we understood Him".
So many times I hear "the god thing" being a major obstacle to people new in A.A. These two steps probably cause more balking, fussing, hesitation and possibly even relapse than any of the other steps (in my opinion, no facts to back that up). But why? I look at it like this: These are the BEST two steps imaginable!! Why do I see the glass half-full this way? I'll tell you why. Because we get to be creative, that's why. It doesn't say in step 2, or 3 that I have to become a Catholic, a Protestant, a Born-Again Christian, a Buddhist or a Hindu for that matter. It opens the door to a connection to "something" greater than myself - ANY something - it doesn't dictate what that something is. Now, there are A LOT of "suggestions" (i.e. rules) that one needs to be willing to follow if he/she is going to be successful in A.A., but following someone else's mandate about what kind of gOD to have is NOT one of those suggestions, yippee! If dogma were a part of the twelve steps, A.A. as we know it would not have the millions of successfully sober recovering alcoholics that it does.
In the rooms of A.A. and other twelve step programs they talk about "a higher power" - why stop there? I have at least four, and counting. Here's something I've recently been studying in a Human Relations class. It's an exercise of connect the dots. What you have to do is connect all the dots with straight lines but without lifting your pen/pencil from the page and the lines have to be straight. This is a square box of dots with 9 total 3,3,3. People get stumped on how to do this because it seems nearly impossible. The only rules are staight lines and you can't lift your pencil off the paper. So, why so hard? It's not really...it's just about thinking outside of the box! Nothing in the rules says you can't draw OUTSIDE of the rows of dots in order to connect them! ONLY to draw in straight lines and w/o lifting your pencil.
Much the same way, many people don't stop and realize they can think outside the box when it comes to the spirituality or gOD aspect in A.A. What most people are balking at is the dogmatic practices or hypocrisy they dealt with as children. I know I did. But, I'm also an oddball even as far as an alcoholic goes because I LOVE spirituality. To me its an endless journey of learning, growing and getting answers to cosmic questions. My main 4 higher powers consist of "god" which I generally refer to as Source or Universe, Angels, in particular Arch Angels, Spirit Guides (beings who've either lived as a human, or maybe not, who have made a pact with you before entering this physical plane/life to help guide you through your journey here) and Faeries/Nature Angels (I saw one of these once - with my very own eyes!!). These 4 higher powers have demonstrated to me time and again that they are VERY real, as real as the stink on my breath in the morning and the toe nails on my tootsies. Once a person gets over the dogmatic issues that they're actually balking at, an entirely different world opens up. But, it often takes a lot of work to be willing to let your guard down and have some blind trust in some "thing" you can't see or feel. So, I work more with the "feel" approach. I can't see the wind, but i can sure feel it when it blows and when I'm paying attention I can see its effects. Same goes with a higher power despite whatever label is placed upon it.
It's really not as hard as we make it out to be, honestly. Give it a shot! You've really got nothing to loose.
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