Switching Seats on the Titanic

I've been slowly reading a book called "America Anonymous". Last night I read a line that said "...then he said that when he gets control of one addiction, another will rear its ugly head and take over his life. He called that dance "switching seats on the Titanic." (Chapter 9/Sean, America Anonymous).

I haven't posted on here in a few weeks, but yesterday that's exactly how I was feeling. Like I was in a life raft that had sprung a leak. I put my finger over the hole to cover the water from leaking into the raft only to have another hole spring up on the other side, out of reach, and now I'm jumping back and forth between various leaks...and sinking.

I've slowly come to the awakening that my addiction takes many forms. I was at an AA meeting last night, a Friday night, and an hour before hand had spent time and money at both Ross (store) and Kmart buying crap for my bedroom in an effort to rearrange and redecorate a little bit. Then sitting in the meeting I flashed back to my childhood. When I was between the ages of approximately 9 - 12yrs old, almost every Friday night, or at least on many Friday nights, I would rearrange my bedroom. My bedroom had a furniture "set" in it that was bought as a set-piece. It had a desk, corner desk, dresser, and bookshelf. I would rearrange my set in as many varying arrangements as I could think of! Now, as you can imagine the possibilities are very finite. One of the things the speaker said in the meeting last night was that in her childhood she suffered from a lot of obsessive-compulsive thinking, and that she felt that is what is at the root of this disease. The dis-ease of being alone with our thoughts, of sitting with ourselves. That's me. I can't sit still. I'm an alcoholic, and a sex addict. I realize that I've used random, anonymous sex as a means of escape from being alone with my own mind.

I've started working with Sex Addicts Anonymous to address my compulsive use of sex and anonymous encounters. Boy has my inner addict REALLY gone into a rage!!! I feel like I've awoken a sleeping monster! Last night at the AA meeting my AA sponsor asked me if I was ok, and I honestly answered no, I wasn't ok. It was the first time I really talked to him about what I was experiencing while trying to address my decades long pattern of random and anonymous sexual encounters. I told him that I had not felt "this kind" of pain, or "this level" of anxiety when getting sober from alcohol (and drugs). He understood and helped me more than I thought he could. I was so grateful for that!

I'm in for a bumpy ride on this little life raft of mine, that much is for sure! All the tools I learned in AA I'm now going to have to apply towards my sexual patterns and history...one day at a time.