So, what I am REALLY looking for anyway?

Things have been pretty crazy lately. In the last month I literally tripped while "future tripping" (daydreaming about the future and ignoring the present) and broke my ankle. I was subsequently laid off from my job and have entered a new phase of growth,...I hope.

I realize more and more that one of my main drugs of choice throughout my life has been one that you don't find in a convenience store, or on the street corner in the Tenderloin (drug filled neighborhood in San Francisco). I think one of my favorite drugs, possibly of all time, has been day dreaming. Yep, day dreaming, or future obsessing to be more honest. Now, there's nothing wrong with day dreaming, but anything can be taken to the extreme, and I seem to do that rather well with my day dreaming/future tripping.

What is it about "right now" that is so terrible that I can't seem to stop myself from spending hours online looking at dozens of houses for sale, educational programs to sign up for, or random/anonymous sex partners?

I was watching some porn recently when I realized (and not for the first time) that it's really a pretty stupid concept. If it's lower grade porn, you'll catch the "actors" sometimes looking off to the left or right and catching a que or some direction in between their oh-so-hot and superbly realistic "oh ya! Fuck ya! Ohhh ahhh uhhh, fuck me's". I realized that it's not the graphic sex I like as much as I like the little scenario that starts to play out in my head: I wonder if he's gay in real life, or gay for pay? Is he masculine, or a total femme-botte? Does he really find his on screen partner hot and is he really into it, or is he actually acting (faking it)?

There seems to be a rise in the "gay-for-pay" segment of the gay porn population and that sets off a whole rabid, Cujo-esq heard of animals in my head! Sort of akin to the girl who constantly wants to make the "bad boy" into a good boy, I want to make the "straight boy" into the gay boy, and in particular - MY gay boy(friend). So, when I watch these onscreen muscle-sex machines kiss passionately I find myself at my most aroused, or at least most interested. I actually like the "behind the scenes" clips of the porn sets and the actors being themselves. In one of them I saw two of the hotties making out in the background while not in a scene and I thougt "Bingo!" - that's real, that's interesting, THAT"S hot!

So, I am becoming more and more conscious of the fact that I think for the most part, I'm not looking for sexual satisfaction when I'm looking for sex. I'm really looking for love (among other things, validation, passion, connection, etc) That ever elusive, ever frightening, ever fragile intangible tasmanian devil we call love. Whatever that is....